I hope you are having a good week. We are finally starting to see some fall weather. YAY!
Like I mentioned in an earlier post, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage in their lifetime, but yet it is rarely discussed. This boggles my mind. A miscarriage is a very emotional thing and the fact that its rarely talked about, making families feel so lonely if they've had a miscarriage, bothers me. So I knew, ever since I had experienced a miscarriage myself, that I wanted to break the norm and hopefully help by sharing my story and making people aware. I knew since I came back to the blog world I wanted to eventually write this post, and October seemed like the perfect time to do so. I wrote on Facebook about my story to my friends and family a while back so I am sorry if you are reading this again, but awareness is important to me.
Looking back to my getting pregnant, the pregnancy, and the birth of Jackson it all was so easy. And I hope I didn't take that for granted. I truly cherished every moment of pregnancy with Jackson from the moment I found out. We had decided we wanted to have a child and didn't immediately, so I started focusing on losing weight and BAM we were pregnant. I wasn't ever sick and I delivered naturally 11 days before my due date. I also didn't even know I was in labor when I got to the hospital to induce and I was already 6 centimeters dilated. I don't bring this up to brag, just to say that it was so easy! It never occurred to me that wouldn't be the case when I decided I wanted the next one.
I have always wanted 3 or 4 children (Andy said let's start with 2! lol) and because I think my mom is perfect, I wanted my children to be about three years apart just like my sister and I. We are best friends and I wanted the same thing for my children. So, when Jackson was about 1 and 1/2 I had my IUD removed. We were trying but I wasn't really worried about it until my annual check up this year, about 2 years later. My doctor asked me if our plan was still more kids. When I said yes I quickly followed with "should I be worried it's taking so long?" She said all was probably fine but we would run some tests to check a few different levels and see if anything was going on.
When we got the results back my heart sank. I found out that my egg supply isn't doing so hot. The quantity and the quality is low. A lot lower than the typical woman my age. My doctor, who I love by the way because of her knowledge and optimism and willingness to do whatever she can, said not to worry there were things we could do, and I had gotten pregnant before so I should be able to again. We talked through the options and decided to start Clomid, It was the most cost efficient, the least invasive, and seemed the easiest. The following few months there were a lot of appointments and different things we tried as well as disappointment each month when I wasn't pregnant.
At the beginning of May (the third month of Clomid) we met with a fertility doctor. He put together a very extensive plan including shots and tests and said when my cycle started we would start the process. Now I am definitely not against IVF. I know it's helped lots of families. But for me at that time, it was expensive and invasive and was going to be a last option. But after that appointment in May it seemed like my time was running out and options were becoming fewer.
A miracle happened and before I had to start any other fertility treatments I found out at the end of May I was pregnant. We were beyond ecstatic. We didn't have to do anything more invasive, I was pregnant, and Jackson would be a big brother. I found out pretty early but didn't tell anyone until the 8th week. It was getting harder and harder to hide it since my family is so close and my first ultrasound was coming up that week so I decided why not. We told Jackson and he was super excited and then we put him in a big brother shirt and went over to my parents. My sister and her husband were staying there while their house was being built, so the whole crew was there. We walked in and my sister answered the door and messed with Jackson but didn't notice. My mom on the other hand noticed right away. There was a lot of screaming! We were all so excited. My sister had just told us a few weeks before she was pregnant so there was a lot of talk about how fun it would be to be pregnant together, get pictures together, and our kids be in the same grade. We told Andy's mom the next day and she was thrilled as well. It all was such a blessing.
I had my first ultrasound the week of 6/19. We couldn't wait. With both pregnancies I knew right away I was pregnant because my body seemed different but I still could not wait to get an actual photo. Little did I know it was going to be one of the worst days of my life. We went into the ultrasound and it seemed like it took her a long time to find something on the screen, but I just figured maybe I had forgotten about the process between pregnancies. But when she said those dreaded words "have you had any bleeding?" I knew it was not good. They took us into a room and a nurse came to talk to us. She explained that they saw a sac but not much more and couldn't find a heartbeat. There was about a 50/50 chance that maybe I wasn't as far as I thought and it was too early for a heartbeat, or that growth had stopped. They took blood and saw good levels so they told me to come back the following week.
As I am sure you can all imagine the time leading up to that next appointment was horrible. The waiting game is never fun and there were a lot of different emotions. The following week we went back for a follow up ultrasound. There still wasn't a heartbeat but their had been growth. Which was very confusing and hard to completely understand. We had hoped to get our final answer at that appointment. But my doctor wanted to wait another 10 days to just make 100% sure. Which is again, why I love her. We felt so defeated. We had prepared ourselves for the worst scenario but still of course had so much hope that it had been too early. Either way we assumed we would get some clarity and when there wasn't any it crushed us.
10 days later I went in for our third and final ultrasound. At that point, I was technically about 10 weeks pregnant. The third ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat and the sac with the embryo was actually starting to close on itself. But still I hadn't had a single physical sign of a miscarriage. My doctor advised me of three options. I could let it happen naturally - which who knew how long that could take, I could take a medication to start the miscarriage, or I could have a D&C. After a lot of discussion we, along with the doctor, decided the medication would be the best for me. She said it is 95% effective. I chose the medication so that it would be quick and in the privacy of my own home.
That weekend I picked up the medication and some comfort items and after a prayer and some tears I took the medication and laid in bed for a movie marathon. After two days of lying in bed and 2 doses of the medication not a single thing happened. I was devastated. I had finally made a little peace with this horrible news and decided how to handle it and it seemed very cruel that now this was another thing not working out. I called the doctor that Monday and we scheduled a D&C for 7/20/17 when I would be about 11 weeks pregnant.
July 20th was such a hard day. I had somewhat come to terms with it all and was ready to not have my body think it was pregnant when there was no growing baby so that I could move forward and try again. But, at the same time it made it so official. And I wasn't expecting a lot of what happened that day. My doctor did an amazing job of preparing me for the surgery. She even offered one more ultrasound when she saw how upset I was about the last one. But what I couldn't be prepared for was the questions and the feelings. D&Cs are used for things other than miscarriages so when I was asked what mine was for I was shocked. I just didn't think that they didn't know. But once I told them, they gave me a whole folder on loss with lots of great material that I have really used to help me on my journey.
Another question was what I wanted done with the remains. That hit me hard. I didn't realize there were remains because of how early I was. I opted for the option that had the hospital taking care of it and us attending a service this coming November. Also, I really thought I had held it together until I got in the actual operating room. I cried. I couldn't help it. I was sad and scared. But I had an awesome anesthesiologist who kept telling me it was going to be alright and a nurse who held my hand. St. Francis is a fantastic hospital and I am so grateful for the people they have working there and how they handle things.
When I woke up I also immediately started crying. I wasn't prepared for how I felt even more lonely and empty than before. Like besides knowing and preparing for the loss I physically felt a hole in me. It was horrible. But again the nurses were great and I was able to see Andy shortly and then got to go home and figure out a way to move on from all of this.
I don't share my story to have people feel sorry for me. But I share this to hopefully give an insight into how someone feels who's had a miscarriage and even though it was early on and I didn't even know the sex (I just feel it would've been a girl) that it still is extremely horrible. And I don't want anyone to ever have to be alone during that time or feel isolated. Also, I tell my story because while I do move forward and we plan on trying again I never ever want to forget Baby Huth. I want the memory of this and my baby to make a difference and not just be a sad point in my life. I came back to work from my D&C after two days off. Not because I wasn't sad but because between my tests and appointments and surgery I was so tired of using my time on things that made me sad. And that's how I've decided to look at this. I am sad and trust me a day doesn't go by without me thinking about the baby. Or how my nephew and my baby would be so close. Or how Jackson would be a fantastic brother But I am looking forward to good times.
I know this post is already a book but I wanted to thank all my friends and family that have been there for me. I knew the Huths were loved but wow. I think that is one positive thing that's come from this. I realized just how many amazing people I have in my life. From the meaningful gifts, to the texts asking how I am, to the stories others have shared with me. I am truly blessed and value my support system.
This experience has changed me. And maybe that was why it all had to happen. I am a stronger person having to go through all that. Our family is stronger. I make sure to definitely not take anything for granted anymore. And I kiss the baby I do have (ok he's 4 not a baby anymore) every day and hold him a little tighter. I also worry that my time to get pregnant and supply is getting smaller and smaller, that I caused the miscarriage with my actions (even though they said at that stage in pregnancy it was probably a chromosome issue) and I have stopped medications and things I think might cause problems all in hopes of getting pregnant soon. But, while I do worry, I have really learned everything happens for a reason and God has a plan. I am extremely blessed to have one AMAZING child. Some people don't ever get that chance. And if it all ends up that I just get lucky enough for one, well then I ended up with a pretty great one. And he will just be that much more spoiled. :)
I feel like I could talk all day about my feelings with my miscarriage but I should stop because it is already way too long. Just please be there for those who have had a similar situation and be kind to people because you never know what is going on with someone. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month so this weekend St. Francis has a walk of remembrance. If you are interested in knowing more, it is on their website or you can ask me. I will definitely be there with a lot of support from my family. This Sunday 10/15, is actually Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you have had a loss or know someone who has, please light a candle at 7pm in remembrance.
I hope you all have a great weekend!
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